light it up
Monday, August 30, 2010
Sometimes one can't seem to control their emotions don't they?
Sometimes I wished that I was a cold, hard rock that feels nothing. Then maybe hurt, grief, anger, disappointment or guilt could never have their chances on me.
Then again, I would have never felt happiness or joy, laughter and the most important one of all - love.
So... What does it take to love? I guess the many confusions, misconceptions and darkness of this world have tainted the true meaning of that precious emotion. Everyone is in need of love. People are doing crazy stuff to gain acceptance and looking for it in the wrong way. Many failed to realise the fact that having their loved ones to care for them, is already considered a blessing. It's love in action.
I stop, I walk, I sit, I breathe. I look around me and I begin to think, "Is love really like this?" Or am I only blinded by the perceptions that this world has set about love.
But I know, I can never find any greater love in this world than the love that was showered upon me by the blood which He shed and the life which He gave, for a sinner like me, on the cross.
Sometimes I wished that I was a cold, hard rock that feels nothing. Then maybe hurt, grief, anger, disappointment or guilt could never have their chances on me.
Then again, I would have never felt happiness or joy, laughter and the most important one of all - love.
So... What does it take to love? I guess the many confusions, misconceptions and darkness of this world have tainted the true meaning of that precious emotion. Everyone is in need of love. People are doing crazy stuff to gain acceptance and looking for it in the wrong way. Many failed to realise the fact that having their loved ones to care for them, is already considered a blessing. It's love in action.
I stop, I walk, I sit, I breathe. I look around me and I begin to think, "Is love really like this?" Or am I only blinded by the perceptions that this world has set about love.
But I know, I can never find any greater love in this world than the love that was showered upon me by the blood which He shed and the life which He gave, for a sinner like me, on the cross.
9:44 AM
Friday, August 20, 2010
I suck. Big time.
Whenever I get back my test papers, I flipped it to the front page. All that greets me is a single digit number indicating that I failed again. I see people around me complaining about how they should get another half mark here or another mark there so that they could attain "this grade".
I feel this sourish-bitter feeling in my heart, I feel it spreading to the rest of my body. A frown forms as I struggled to understand what the teacher was blabbering about. But in my head, it was all still a blank. I could feel it, this warm feeling coming to my eyes; this throat that could never be cleared. In my head was a battle going on; a voice that tells me to shut up and listen to the teacher, the other tells me that I'm dumb. Another tells me to try harder next time and another tells me not to cry in front of everyone.
Maybe I'm really good at hiding my emotions. Maybe I'm not. But who cares. I feel the sorrow filling me up the same way again. This feeling sucks.
Whenever I get back my test papers, I flipped it to the front page. All that greets me is a single digit number indicating that I failed again. I see people around me complaining about how they should get another half mark here or another mark there so that they could attain "this grade".
I feel this sourish-bitter feeling in my heart, I feel it spreading to the rest of my body. A frown forms as I struggled to understand what the teacher was blabbering about. But in my head, it was all still a blank. I could feel it, this warm feeling coming to my eyes; this throat that could never be cleared. In my head was a battle going on; a voice that tells me to shut up and listen to the teacher, the other tells me that I'm dumb. Another tells me to try harder next time and another tells me not to cry in front of everyone.
Maybe I'm really good at hiding my emotions. Maybe I'm not. But who cares. I feel the sorrow filling me up the same way again. This feeling sucks.
7:14 PM
Sunday, August 8, 2010
How does it feel to be confused? Why do we feel confused? What makes a person confused?
I hate being confused.
I have better things to worry about (e.g. getting promoted at the end of the year :/) yet I'm constantly thinking about the most trival things. Sometimes I wonder if I made the right choice in coming to this school, in choosing this combination. in my choice of CCA, in practically everything. If I could turn back time, I wonder if I would have made the same choices again. Because, everything seemed to have flew past so quickly. One moment, it was the end of Os, the next moment, receiving of results. Before you know it, you get your postings and school starts. You thought you could adapt to the new life, but you realised how much you missed the past. Why is the new life so different? I still feel foreign to it and I guess I'll still remain foreign to it.
Sometimes I really hate myself for being myself. Times where I tried to change but I always failed. I can't help it. Why am I still like this? I know God have created me to be this way and He loves me for who I am. Yet I can't love myself for being myself.
This sucks.
I need time to sort things out. Yet time isn't on my side at all.
Crap. see? I'm starting to think about the trival matters again. Bleh.
I hate being confused.
I have better things to worry about (e.g. getting promoted at the end of the year :/) yet I'm constantly thinking about the most trival things. Sometimes I wonder if I made the right choice in coming to this school, in choosing this combination. in my choice of CCA, in practically everything. If I could turn back time, I wonder if I would have made the same choices again. Because, everything seemed to have flew past so quickly. One moment, it was the end of Os, the next moment, receiving of results. Before you know it, you get your postings and school starts. You thought you could adapt to the new life, but you realised how much you missed the past. Why is the new life so different? I still feel foreign to it and I guess I'll still remain foreign to it.
Sometimes I really hate myself for being myself. Times where I tried to change but I always failed. I can't help it. Why am I still like this? I know God have created me to be this way and He loves me for who I am. Yet I can't love myself for being myself.
This sucks.
I need time to sort things out. Yet time isn't on my side at all.
Crap. see? I'm starting to think about the trival matters again. Bleh.
8:58 PM